only because...

its back to work today.... seriously it was quite nerve wrecking prepping myself to step into office to face all sorts of questions. i even did the take a deep breath and told myself i can do it kind of thing.

i was pleasantly surprise that everyone stop short at asking "are you ok". not that im complaining but it definitely made things so much easier. of coz some dear fren ( whom i am truely grateful to) must have pre-warned them without revealing the reason why. muacks muacks. i did a fair bit of explaining to my boss (in details) and was even more grateful that he has been so understanding and sensitive with the whole issue. What more can i ask for??!! fantastic colleagues and wonderful boss.... sigh....

i think i have gained so much more through this ordeal (nothing more casual as it will always be etched in my memories). I have come to realize that i am truly blessed with great frenz and family.

of coz with deserved mention is my one and only hubz. i love him i love him i love him. its hard to understand what he went through but yet he shone like the light at the end of the tunnel. my only refuge through the darkest hours.mushy but i like ...... muackz muackz muackz. with the constant touches of reassurance and declarations of love ... he has given me the sole reason to come out as a stronger person and better partner.i love you i love you i love you .... so who's da man .... :)

my little sister for crying the hardest and sharing every bit of pain i felt.my little angel would have been thrilled to know he was loved by so many. aside,she always been looking out for me despite her little princessy ways and for this ... i have loved her more than any other sister would.

my parents for the little gestures of love and concern.

my best frenz for the constant care and concern and mostly for knowing when i needed the company and talks. for being so sensitive about the whole thing and being there when it was the right time. i love you guys and there isnt a better bunch than you ....

and to my best pals at work... thank you for making my first day back at work surprisingly easy. i noticed the efforts in the sensitivity in words and conversations that we carried out. thank you for the jokes and gossips that you guys have saved for me .... thank you thank you thank you.

i seriously ... couldnt ask for more ...

and so.... for the one angel i have lost .... i am truly blessed in many other ways ... and so here i am ... never the same but stronger than ever ...

my only wish

i wished, i never found out
i wished, i was more careful
i wished, i was less complacent
i wished, i took better care
i wished, i could change things
i wished, my birthday never came
i wished, i made more wishes
i wished, i was more sincere
now....
i wish, the mornings never come
i wish, the day never breaks
i wish, the nights never end
i wish, the weekend never comes
i wish, the time will just stop
for i no longer know ... how to face tomorrow...

if only....

i promised to share the secret with all... but now i dun have to anymore.
and i still cant bring myself to speak about it.
all i want is to turn back time, do things right, take better care...
i wish i shared my excitement and joy and anticipation sooner with everyone i knew... but maybe because i didnt, i am being punished.
now i know what its like to have regrets. never once i swear ... have i felt regretful about anything i have done. Not when i failed any exams, not when i scolded the shit out of anyone. and now .. i face the biggest regret and loss in my life.
it surprises even myself that i should be reacting this way. i always thought i was stronger and able to suppress much of my emotions. i thought i could cope with regrets and losses as i could with pain. it surprises me even more that i can only bring myself to bare my heart and emotions to only one person in my life in times like that.
the only comfort i see these days is that he has become so much stronger and my only pillar of strength that i know i have to get over it all and return him the favour. For holding and the gentle grasp of my hand when its free, for the long hugs when i tremble and smiles when i go blank. dar,i promise to feel better soon.

sorry if i have kept frenz and family out of my life these few days and maybe weeks to come. but i just cant seem to cope at the moment. its just too big a deal to brush it aside.i know i should be stronger and i promise to snap out of it soon.thanks for the comfort and words of assurance. i will be back..................








A POEM OF COMFORT

I thought of you and closed my eyes
and prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother
and I know I heard him say...

"A mother has a baby."
This we know is true.
But can you be a mother
when your baby's not with you?

"Yes, you can,"
He said with confidence in His voice.
"I give many women babies.
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
and others for a day.
Some I send to fill your womb
but there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this, God.
I want my baby here."
He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.

"I wish that I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,

'We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh, so much
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me.
I learned my lesson very quickly.
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh, so much
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow is where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, don't be sad today.
I'm your baby and I'm here."

So, you see, my dear sweet one,
your child is okay.
Your baby is here in my home and
this is where she'll stay.

She'll wait for you with me
until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home,
She'll be at the gates for you.

So, now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not see
you're a mother with a child.
They'll be up here with me one day
and know you've always been one."

extracted from Ashley's blog