if only....

i promised to share the secret with all... but now i dun have to anymore.
and i still cant bring myself to speak about it.
all i want is to turn back time, do things right, take better care...
i wish i shared my excitement and joy and anticipation sooner with everyone i knew... but maybe because i didnt, i am being punished.
now i know what its like to have regrets. never once i swear ... have i felt regretful about anything i have done. Not when i failed any exams, not when i scolded the shit out of anyone. and now .. i face the biggest regret and loss in my life.
it surprises even myself that i should be reacting this way. i always thought i was stronger and able to suppress much of my emotions. i thought i could cope with regrets and losses as i could with pain. it surprises me even more that i can only bring myself to bare my heart and emotions to only one person in my life in times like that.
the only comfort i see these days is that he has become so much stronger and my only pillar of strength that i know i have to get over it all and return him the favour. For holding and the gentle grasp of my hand when its free, for the long hugs when i tremble and smiles when i go blank. dar,i promise to feel better soon.

sorry if i have kept frenz and family out of my life these few days and maybe weeks to come. but i just cant seem to cope at the moment. its just too big a deal to brush it aside.i know i should be stronger and i promise to snap out of it soon.thanks for the comfort and words of assurance. i will be back..................








A POEM OF COMFORT

I thought of you and closed my eyes
and prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother
and I know I heard him say...

"A mother has a baby."
This we know is true.
But can you be a mother
when your baby's not with you?

"Yes, you can,"
He said with confidence in His voice.
"I give many women babies.
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
and others for a day.
Some I send to fill your womb
but there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this, God.
I want my baby here."
He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.

"I wish that I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,

'We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh, so much
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me.
I learned my lesson very quickly.
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh, so much
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow is where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, don't be sad today.
I'm your baby and I'm here."

So, you see, my dear sweet one,
your child is okay.
Your baby is here in my home and
this is where she'll stay.

She'll wait for you with me
until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home,
She'll be at the gates for you.

So, now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not see
you're a mother with a child.
They'll be up here with me one day
and know you've always been one."

extracted from Ashley's blog