just another day

its exactly one month. i thought about it in 'spurts' and held back tears as always. and i even spoke about it to a friend i least expected to feel comfortable with. i also mentioned to him today but he seemed pretty nonchalant about it.

i suppose its time i put a closure to my miscarriage and move on. i love life too much to want to live it this way. for the very first time in a long while, i am feeling good today and i shouldn't feel guilty about it. it almost feels as if i have done my fair bit of grieving. i did my fair share of prayers and have this feeling that all the bad luck and experiences will just go away . i will allow myself to grieve occasionally but i will laugh more than ever. life is simply too short to look back in anger and sadness.
i have the whole weekend to myself and despite him gg off to KL, i am staying in sgp by choice. I have too much ahead to want to wallow in sadness.
so guys ... I AM BACK for good.

it aint that bad...

i am suffering from indigestion. i am getting cramps everyday. i am using too many carefree liners. i am becoming anaemic. i am still putting on weight. i am supposed to wake early to buy breakfast for tomorrow's meeting. i cant seem to stop whining.









the only good things over the weekend, we met up the gals for wedding gown selection and dinner on saturday. we met up mum and sis for a nice lunch today. had a nice karaoke session, just the 2 of us, like the good old days. and best of all, chilling out, just us.





maybe it aint that bad after all......

almost.

its almost a month.

i still ponder occasionally but i try to brush it away as soon as i feel a tinge of emotion welling up. i will not be attending a colleague's grandma's wake just because i didnt want to tell her i understood how she felt about losing a loved one. and i definitely wouldnt want to be all emotional in front of my dear colleagues.i casually mentioned to a close colleague that i will be not be attending and it surprised me to hear him say " maybe you shouldn't" does it seem ive been hurting? i definitely not think so. but its extremely comforting to know that someone remembered my loss. ive been holding up since the first day of work and i love them too dearly to let them know i still remember.

these days, both of us have almost stopped talking about the pain and instead we discuss future plans and how we will live life to the fullest. the only reminder of pain however comes from my sis's blog. ironically i love her for the reminders that loss cannot be brushed aside. despite all the pain, we still have to live on. it seems she is my voice for my innermost feelings and cannot find ways to express. i feel comforted to know that someone beside us, shares our pain and emotions. and that we are loved and not alone. thank you my dear. i love you more than you know it.

life is back to normal. we do the dailies. and we have got back to the late nights of the occasional pubbing and hanging out.
im holding up well.
and im okay..... almost

what a break

Ten Thing i Learnt over the weekend

1) Sgp - KL - Genting aint that far when you are not the front seat passenger
2) Its okay to have a poor navigator as long as you have a patient driver
3) Its useless to have a good hotel room if you have a faulty shower head
4) I can buy 7 pairs of shoes from a single shop in KL and it still cant get me one pair of Aldos
5) You know another hardcore gambler when you meet her by chance in Genting besides at Mahjong weekends
6) I may need counselling coz i dun feel the pinch after losing 1000 ringgit
7) I will be very very very broke if i din marry a man who hates gambling
8) There is absolutely nothing to do for the non gambling husbands except hover around the gambling wives for hours
9) Good company is the most important part of a short getaway
10) I need more getaways.

in search of answers

i have been searching for answers and help to understand. i have done research on the nets and even spoke to others who have gone through the same thing. as they all say, no one really understands unless they've been through the same trauma. i dun blame them. i wouldn't understand whats its like to have lost love too. thats the way the world is.

but i have seeked comfort in reading similar experiences online. And i think it truly helps to know that there are pp going through the same pain and angish. So i went in search of 2 books that was highly recommended. It didnt hurt that i enjoy reading books that made me cry just a teeny bit. And so i found out that Borders suck coz they dont carry the books they should and that all the Sans and Sunny bookstores carry outdated books. Kinokuniya came out tops for their online reservation and stock of titles. I am a Kino convert.

I cant wait to finish before the weekend.
i think i just need to know ..... for closure

looking forward

will be going away for the weekend. with good company and good food and hopefully good fun.








i cant freaking wait.

picking up the pieces

i need a closure.

and it didnt help that its confirmed that it was caused by trauma. yes .. by carelessness or misfortune it doesnt matter anymore. it just makes me feel worse. but still better than when it first occured. its been 2 weeks and memories are still fresh. ouch...

i need to get away .... from the rest of the world. like now.

freak ... this is so not me anymore.... help.

so whats next

-That which does not kill me, makes me stronger-

I have got enough bad luck in my life now that nothing can make it worse. And i am so over lamenting over the series of bad luck. It is not my fault that things happen this way .... i didnt ask for it, neither did i want it. I didnt ask for anyone to be upset for me or upset because of me. So scram and quit thinking negative thoughts aloud when i am trying my utmost to think POSITIVE and think STRONG. coz those are the only thoughts that i want to think to pull me through the bad times. No one feels worse than i do ... so spilling more shit on my face wont make it any worse.











I wished for the same things thrice on all occasions of celebrating my birthday this year and it turned out otherwise. the very next day.

so NOTHING else can bring me down ...

And i reversed my car into the same wall... twice today. So give me more .....