almost.

its almost a month.

i still ponder occasionally but i try to brush it away as soon as i feel a tinge of emotion welling up. i will not be attending a colleague's grandma's wake just because i didnt want to tell her i understood how she felt about losing a loved one. and i definitely wouldnt want to be all emotional in front of my dear colleagues.i casually mentioned to a close colleague that i will be not be attending and it surprised me to hear him say " maybe you shouldn't" does it seem ive been hurting? i definitely not think so. but its extremely comforting to know that someone remembered my loss. ive been holding up since the first day of work and i love them too dearly to let them know i still remember.

these days, both of us have almost stopped talking about the pain and instead we discuss future plans and how we will live life to the fullest. the only reminder of pain however comes from my sis's blog. ironically i love her for the reminders that loss cannot be brushed aside. despite all the pain, we still have to live on. it seems she is my voice for my innermost feelings and cannot find ways to express. i feel comforted to know that someone beside us, shares our pain and emotions. and that we are loved and not alone. thank you my dear. i love you more than you know it.

life is back to normal. we do the dailies. and we have got back to the late nights of the occasional pubbing and hanging out.
im holding up well.
and im okay..... almost

what a break

Ten Thing i Learnt over the weekend

1) Sgp - KL - Genting aint that far when you are not the front seat passenger
2) Its okay to have a poor navigator as long as you have a patient driver
3) Its useless to have a good hotel room if you have a faulty shower head
4) I can buy 7 pairs of shoes from a single shop in KL and it still cant get me one pair of Aldos
5) You know another hardcore gambler when you meet her by chance in Genting besides at Mahjong weekends
6) I may need counselling coz i dun feel the pinch after losing 1000 ringgit
7) I will be very very very broke if i din marry a man who hates gambling
8) There is absolutely nothing to do for the non gambling husbands except hover around the gambling wives for hours
9) Good company is the most important part of a short getaway
10) I need more getaways.

in search of answers

i have been searching for answers and help to understand. i have done research on the nets and even spoke to others who have gone through the same thing. as they all say, no one really understands unless they've been through the same trauma. i dun blame them. i wouldn't understand whats its like to have lost love too. thats the way the world is.

but i have seeked comfort in reading similar experiences online. And i think it truly helps to know that there are pp going through the same pain and angish. So i went in search of 2 books that was highly recommended. It didnt hurt that i enjoy reading books that made me cry just a teeny bit. And so i found out that Borders suck coz they dont carry the books they should and that all the Sans and Sunny bookstores carry outdated books. Kinokuniya came out tops for their online reservation and stock of titles. I am a Kino convert.

I cant wait to finish before the weekend.
i think i just need to know ..... for closure

looking forward

will be going away for the weekend. with good company and good food and hopefully good fun.








i cant freaking wait.

picking up the pieces

i need a closure.

and it didnt help that its confirmed that it was caused by trauma. yes .. by carelessness or misfortune it doesnt matter anymore. it just makes me feel worse. but still better than when it first occured. its been 2 weeks and memories are still fresh. ouch...

i need to get away .... from the rest of the world. like now.

freak ... this is so not me anymore.... help.

so whats next

-That which does not kill me, makes me stronger-

I have got enough bad luck in my life now that nothing can make it worse. And i am so over lamenting over the series of bad luck. It is not my fault that things happen this way .... i didnt ask for it, neither did i want it. I didnt ask for anyone to be upset for me or upset because of me. So scram and quit thinking negative thoughts aloud when i am trying my utmost to think POSITIVE and think STRONG. coz those are the only thoughts that i want to think to pull me through the bad times. No one feels worse than i do ... so spilling more shit on my face wont make it any worse.











I wished for the same things thrice on all occasions of celebrating my birthday this year and it turned out otherwise. the very next day.

so NOTHING else can bring me down ...

And i reversed my car into the same wall... twice today. So give me more .....

only because...

its back to work today.... seriously it was quite nerve wrecking prepping myself to step into office to face all sorts of questions. i even did the take a deep breath and told myself i can do it kind of thing.

i was pleasantly surprise that everyone stop short at asking "are you ok". not that im complaining but it definitely made things so much easier. of coz some dear fren ( whom i am truely grateful to) must have pre-warned them without revealing the reason why. muacks muacks. i did a fair bit of explaining to my boss (in details) and was even more grateful that he has been so understanding and sensitive with the whole issue. What more can i ask for??!! fantastic colleagues and wonderful boss.... sigh....

i think i have gained so much more through this ordeal (nothing more casual as it will always be etched in my memories). I have come to realize that i am truly blessed with great frenz and family.

of coz with deserved mention is my one and only hubz. i love him i love him i love him. its hard to understand what he went through but yet he shone like the light at the end of the tunnel. my only refuge through the darkest hours.mushy but i like ...... muackz muackz muackz. with the constant touches of reassurance and declarations of love ... he has given me the sole reason to come out as a stronger person and better partner.i love you i love you i love you .... so who's da man .... :)

my little sister for crying the hardest and sharing every bit of pain i felt.my little angel would have been thrilled to know he was loved by so many. aside,she always been looking out for me despite her little princessy ways and for this ... i have loved her more than any other sister would.

my parents for the little gestures of love and concern.

my best frenz for the constant care and concern and mostly for knowing when i needed the company and talks. for being so sensitive about the whole thing and being there when it was the right time. i love you guys and there isnt a better bunch than you ....

and to my best pals at work... thank you for making my first day back at work surprisingly easy. i noticed the efforts in the sensitivity in words and conversations that we carried out. thank you for the jokes and gossips that you guys have saved for me .... thank you thank you thank you.

i seriously ... couldnt ask for more ...

and so.... for the one angel i have lost .... i am truly blessed in many other ways ... and so here i am ... never the same but stronger than ever ...

my only wish

i wished, i never found out
i wished, i was more careful
i wished, i was less complacent
i wished, i took better care
i wished, i could change things
i wished, my birthday never came
i wished, i made more wishes
i wished, i was more sincere
now....
i wish, the mornings never come
i wish, the day never breaks
i wish, the nights never end
i wish, the weekend never comes
i wish, the time will just stop
for i no longer know ... how to face tomorrow...

if only....

i promised to share the secret with all... but now i dun have to anymore.
and i still cant bring myself to speak about it.
all i want is to turn back time, do things right, take better care...
i wish i shared my excitement and joy and anticipation sooner with everyone i knew... but maybe because i didnt, i am being punished.
now i know what its like to have regrets. never once i swear ... have i felt regretful about anything i have done. Not when i failed any exams, not when i scolded the shit out of anyone. and now .. i face the biggest regret and loss in my life.
it surprises even myself that i should be reacting this way. i always thought i was stronger and able to suppress much of my emotions. i thought i could cope with regrets and losses as i could with pain. it surprises me even more that i can only bring myself to bare my heart and emotions to only one person in my life in times like that.
the only comfort i see these days is that he has become so much stronger and my only pillar of strength that i know i have to get over it all and return him the favour. For holding and the gentle grasp of my hand when its free, for the long hugs when i tremble and smiles when i go blank. dar,i promise to feel better soon.

sorry if i have kept frenz and family out of my life these few days and maybe weeks to come. but i just cant seem to cope at the moment. its just too big a deal to brush it aside.i know i should be stronger and i promise to snap out of it soon.thanks for the comfort and words of assurance. i will be back..................








A POEM OF COMFORT

I thought of you and closed my eyes
and prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother
and I know I heard him say...

"A mother has a baby."
This we know is true.
But can you be a mother
when your baby's not with you?

"Yes, you can,"
He said with confidence in His voice.
"I give many women babies.
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
and others for a day.
Some I send to fill your womb
but there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this, God.
I want my baby here."
He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.

"I wish that I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,

'We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh, so much
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me.
I learned my lesson very quickly.
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh, so much
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow is where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, don't be sad today.
I'm your baby and I'm here."

So, you see, my dear sweet one,
your child is okay.
Your baby is here in my home and
this is where she'll stay.

She'll wait for you with me
until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home,
She'll be at the gates for you.

So, now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not see
you're a mother with a child.
They'll be up here with me one day
and know you've always been one."

extracted from Ashley's blog

its been a while ....

didnt mean not to post ... but lotsa stuff have happened over the last few weeks that I have been so overwhelmed, i totally neglected ... okay maybe even completely forgotten about blogging. Life have been so routine.. its just not me anymore..... i swear off the comp when i get home from work basically coz my work revolves around the internet business. all i want to do now is to get off work, spend some quality time with my babe and sleep the night away. its scary that i almost lost all zest ... the only thing thats still the same is that my babe loves me still.... if not more. muackS.

the much needed break i wanted to so badly take was taken from me just coz ....

i PROMISe to elaborate more on whats happening with me ... and us ... but now's just not the time ... simply because .....

we will be back ........ in no time .....